newbie

I feel like so much is in my head that I need to put it somewhere. So like a diary I will send it out to cyber space where it won't be judged or critisized, it won't even be spell checked. Maybe this way my mind can let go a little bit.
I am a mother, wife, employee, navy girl, student and friend. What if I want more? Does that make me selfish or ungrateful for what I have? I can't deny that lately this desire for something more has become very strong. It occupies my thoughts constantly. I'm not willing to trade anything I have now, but I can't help but want more. I feel like I have more in me to get out. I would love to begin acting. I think I could pour myself into characters and make them a combination of me and something new. I have never felt defined by any one thing. I mean that there seems to bee so many different sides to me and acting my be a great way to express one of them. I would love to write a compelling novel, or sing a song that speaks straight to your soul by I am lacking those abilities. I think I understand human nature pretty well and could understand to motivations behind alot differnt personallity types.

To be honest alot of this came from twilight. I love the book and for the first time in my life I find myself mildly obsessed with this whole thing. I'm so glad that I'm not alone, however it made take a closer look at how they came into this and a part of it. It made me realize that I want that too. Not the fame or money, but touching people on this level with what you put into a character.
I listen to their stories and the biggest difference between them and me is that the had the strength to give it a chance. To put themselves out there for rejection and to keep working for it. So I've looked into open calls and auditions but I feel also that I'm not thin enough. I know not all parts are for thin women, but a large portion are. She I think, well I'll take a photo and send it in when I lose weight, but is that an excuse. Am I just scared?

I also worry about what it would do to my family life. I left the Navy knowing that I wanted a family and I didn't want choises taken out of my hands. They can send you over seas away from your children and my heart goes out to the women that do it, but I knew that I didn't want to ever face that. So I got out. So would this be similar. What if I get a part that requires a large time commitment, would I be willing to be away so long. Would me husband continue his support, would he see this as frivilous and unneccisary. So many people in acting make these decisions, but women seem to have been in acting before they had a family, so the career choice was set and they worked with it. I already have a career. I don't have to do this. But I want to!

Enough for tonight, until next time.....